BLONDE JOKES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
 and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is
 farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde
turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff , 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank
'Yoo- hoo !' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
 then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead , are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting !

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
 turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and
she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
 can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex .
 Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on
board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison
said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and
prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to
die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a
decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United
States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of
the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of
our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth
passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life
and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let
you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a
parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took
my schoolbag."

 GRATITUDE, GOD HAS A SENSE OF  HUMOR

 A woman received a call that her  daughter who was sick.  She stopped by the
 pharmacy to get medication, got  back to her car & found that she had locked her keys inside.  She  found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked  at it & said "I don't know how to use this."  She bowed her head & asked God to send her HELP.
 Within 5 minutes a  beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
 A bearded man who was wearing an old  biker skull rag got off of his cycle & asked if he could  help.
 She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked  my keys in my car. I must get home.  Please, can you use this hanger to  unlock my car?"
 He said "Sure." He walked over to the  car, & in less than a minute the car was open.  She hugged the man  & thru tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice  man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got  out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
 The  woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God!  You even sent me  a Professional!"

 Is GOD Good or What!?

                                                                                                                

 I WAS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING TODAY AND THE OFFICER SAID, "MY SHIFT IS ABOUT OVER.  IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A GOOD EXCUSE I'LL OVERLOOK IT THIS TIME."  I THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE AND SAID, "MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH A POLICE OFFICER LAST TUESDAY AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING HER BACK."


  "GIVE ME A SENTENCE ABOUT A FIREFIGHTER," SAID THE TEACHER.

  THE SMALL BOY WROTE: "THE FIREMAN CAME DOWN THE LADDER PREGNANT." THE TEACHER TOOK THE LAD ASIDE TO CORRECT HIM.  "DO YOU KNOW WHAT PREGNANT MEANS?" SHE ASKED.

 "SURE ," SAID THE YOUNG BOY CONFIDENTLY."  "IT MEANS CARRYING A CHILD."  

                                                                               

 MURPHY PHONED THE MATERNITY WARD AT THE HOSPITAL.  "QUICK!" HE SAID , "SEND AN AMBULANCE, MY WIFE IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY!"

"TELL ME , IS THIS HER FIRST BABY?" THE INTERN ASKED.

"NO NO, THIS IS HER HUSBAND, KEVIN, SPEAK IN'  


THE PLANE WAS EXPERIENCING TERRIBLE TURBULENCE,  THE POOR  PASSENGERS WERE BEING THROWN ABOUT.  THE 1ST STEWARDESS FOUND A MAN OF THE CLOTH IN YOUNG FRIER TIM NOLAN.  SHE SAID, "PLEASE CALM THEM DOWN FATHER."

 HE ANSWERED, "I'M JUST OUT OF SEMINARY.  I HAVE NO TRAINING IN THIS FIELD." SHE SAID, "JUST GO WITH YOUR TEACHING FATHER.  "YOU'LL BE FINE."  HE A ROSE AND SAID, "FELLOW PASSENGERS, WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.  AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO TAKE UP A COLLECTION." 

AN ARAB ENTERED A CAB IN DALLAS AND IMMEDIATELY SAID TO THE DRIVER,  "TURN OFF THAT HORRIBLE MUSIC.  IN THE DAYS OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO RADIOS TO OFFEND HIS EARS WITH SUCH A DEVICE."

THE DRIVER PULLED TO A STOP, OPENED THE DOOR AND SAID, " IN THE DAYS OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO TAXI'S.  SO PLEASE GET OUT, AND STAND ON THE CURB AND WAIT FOR A CAMEL!"


     THE PEOPLE OF NEW YORK WATCHED ANXIOUSLY AS SUPERMAN ASCENDED THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING TO CHALLENGE KING KONG TO DO BATTLE.
  "COME ON YOU BIG FURRY MONKEY; THIS IS A FIGHT TO THE FINISH."  SAID THE CAPE CRUSADER
    "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND," SAID KING KONG. " I HAVE TO CATCH A PLANE!".


  MIKE RAFFERTY HAD A BIG FAMILY AND VOLUNTEERED, ONE EVENING, TO BABYSIT SO THAT MOLLY COULD GO TO PTA MEETING.  HE SENT ALL THE KIDS TO BED UP TO BED BUT ONE BOY KEPT SNEAKING BACK DOWN ONLY TO BE ADMONISHED TO RETURN TO HIS ROOM. 

AT 10:00 PM MRS O'TOOLE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED IF HER BOY PAT WAS THERE.  "NO HE'S NOT." SAID MIKE.

  FROM UPSTAIRS CAME A VOICE. " YES I AM MA. HE WON'T LET ME GO. 

MORAL: KNOW YOUR KIDS


"DID YOUR DOCTOR TELL YOU TO GO ON A DIET"
 "YES HE DID' 
"DID HE RECOMMEND ONE?"
"HE SAID MOST DIETS WERE JUST FINE SO PICK ONE YOU LIKE."
 "AND" "I PICKED THE JACK DANIELS DIET."
 "UN HUH. WHAT DID YOU LOSE?"
 "FOUR POUNDS AND MY DRIVERS LICENSE!"


" HI ED--I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE JANUARY.  HOW ARE YOU GETTING ALONG?"
 "YEAH, JANUARY, THAT'S WHEN MY DOCTOR GAVE ME SIX MONTHS TO LIVE."
 "BUT THIS IS AUGUST AND YOU'RE STILL GOING STRONG?"
 "WELL, YES I AM.  WHEN I COULDN'T PAY MY BILL HE GAVE ME ANOTHER SIX MONTH'S."